Ok, so it took me some time to figure out how to do a journal entry since dA's interface has changed a little. Wonderful.
First thing's first, I'm super sorry I disappeared off the face of the planet for a while. Really, all I've wanted to do over the past few months is disappear so I hope that explains it a bit. Yeah, I've been very inattentive and I don't think that's gonna change much. dA isn't my scene anymore, although I try to be active time to time. I'll definitely still do journal updates.
So long story short, I had a final showdown with my mum last September and decided things were too fucked up for us all to live under the same roof. And it wasn't just my family with their faults. I had come to realise I had contributed to my dysfunctional relationships with them by not communicating enough. This guilt was something else I couldn't handle.
My mum describes it as running away. I guess in a way I did. I just packed whatever I could overnight into three bags, crammed maybe three hours of sleep because I couldn't stop crying, had breakfast and walked out of the house for what I thought was the last time. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my baby sis. It hurt to see my mum in so much pain and try and stop me, but I had made my mind up and the damage had been done.
I wouldn't have moved out if I hadn't told my best friend about the showdown. She had decided this was the last straw too and told me that whether I liked it or not, I was getting out of there the next day because she was coming over to take me to her home town. She wasn't letting me give up. She put her job at stake to do this and I am forever grateful. Thanks, Jazz.
Moving from the city to the countryside has been a culture shock, good and bad. I couldn't even grasp the accents here when I first came, but now I think I sound like everyone else lol. I dropped out of uni because people were picking on me there and Criminology was depressing me more than I already was. I love the subject but I think I'm too susceptible to being made miserable. I did get an ECDL qualification though so it wasn't all a waste!
It's quieter where I live now and as a worrier, this place gives me peace in ways. People are generally friendly compared to where I used to live and they have many cute little cafes/restaurants that I love.
The cons are that I've been harassed by school kids and I've suffered some racism due to being one of the very few perceived 'foreigners' in the neighbourhood. I think I'd be better off living somewhere diverse and more accepting in the future. I admit I'm rather self-conscious about my skin colour and wish I didn't stand out so much where I live now.
I've spent my time here looking for a job, interview after interview, rejection after rejection. Whenever I was offered a job, it turned out it would be impossible or expensive for me to commute there. I've made constant changes to my CV as a result of critique and even gotten it rewritten by a professional. I've been roped into work experience by the Job Centre twice. The second time knocked my confidence quite badly as my manager kept criticising me and wouldn't say anything positive about my efforts. :/
I concluded that my lack of confidence and social anxiety were holding me back big time, but I couldn't just wave a magic wand and fix both. It was going to take a while and I got (and still am) very frustrated by how abnormal I feel am, how I can only be myself around people after I've known them for a long time - because then I'll have studied them long enough to work out their tics and judge whether they're safe or not to reveal myself to. I can't just be me all the time. I'm too scared to.
Eventually I've spiralled further downwards to the point I've been diagnosed with depression and prescribed sleeping pills and feel like I'm not good enough for anything at the moment. Not good enough for a job, romance, friendship. I get intensely jealous of others getting what I've been trying so hard to achieve. It's pathetic, I know. But I'm a work in progress. I am
working on resolving my negative emotions.
I'm currently halfway through attending a Stress Control workshop. It has helped somewhat, but I think counselling is what I need. A mental health professional has recommended that I try cognitive behavioural therapy, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. We'll see where things go.
Oh, and about my scoliosis. It's only now that I've managed to get the X-ray done (due to me not caring enough to go get it done the other time). Results should come in next week.
So this is my life, regardless of whether I like it or not. I live with Jazz and her aunt, whom I pay rent to. I've started visiting my family in London to repair our relationship (with minimal interaction with my dad though), but they still try to pressure/bribe me to move back and my decision not to be religious anymore continues to cause tension. I guess one day they're gonna have to find out I'm bisexual as well (yep, I finally figured myself out) and deal with it or whatever. They still want me to have an arranged marriage. *rolls eyes*
I make an effort to eat well, exercise and go out, but there's always this feeling that I'm missing out on the big picture and there's something so much more amazing out there that I haven't found yet. I guess I'll let that drive me to continue trying.
I have got a pretty small summer job helping take care of someone's horses, so I've got that going for me, right? And I've been invited to a BBQ party by this someone, who I only know through mutual friend. Maybe they could be my friend too if I stop being scared of them (and their boyfriend, who scares me more ugh
Oh, oh, and I still write! Not giving that up. Ever!
Uh, is anyone still reading?
Well enough about me, how have ya'll been doing? I still care! I'm rooting for you all in getting success in your lives!
And I promise not to get jealous this time.
Just drop a note/message/anything if ever you wanna chat!
This is the end... of this update. Boohoo.